Somewhere I Belong

ACT XVI: Almost... G'bye...

2008-06-11T23:28:00.002+08:00

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.

- a fine frenzy, 'almost lovers'

ACT XV: Obviously Scarred...

2007-07-02T14:14:00.001+08:00

I'm wasted once again.
The mere act of existing seems to be an unattractive prospect.
Tears are shed, yet ultimately unnoticed.
Hearts are breaking,
Wings need mending,
Wounds need healing.

I don't think I'll ever wake up from this nightmare.

ACT XIV: Madness--Its Bliss

2006-08-23T21:41:00.000+08:00

Jeez.
Its finals week once again...
Another step closer to the edge...
Another step closer to insanity.

I took my PARTCOR test today from 6-8pm, my only exam for the day. When the prof handed out the questionnaires, I stared blankly at it, hoping that my gaze would burn a hole right through it. Unfortunately, it didn't. No choice, I had to answer it right away before I experience major case of mental block. It was all a blur, my mind was operating on auto-pilot. Before I knew it, I was already standing up, handing my test paper to the prof who was busy texting.

While walking down the deserted corridor, a thought suddenly hit me.

'What the hell did I put in that test paper?!'

Strolling along the sidewalk, where the smell of horse droppings invaded my sensitive nostrils, a silent prayer was playing in my mind over and over, hoping that in my even disoriented state I was able to answer something right in that exam.

So, what do you do in times like this? Answer: Pig-out.
One thing I learned from this whole episode, Choco Mocha cake and Pineapple juice don't mix.
I just hope a stomach ache won't visit me tomorrow morning.

I have another test tomorrow, and let's just say that I need a very good grade in this exam for me to pass. If you're asking me 'Why the hell am I posting nonsense in this god-foresaken blog when I could just study?', the answer would be, I don't know.

Weird mind...
Can't seem to think straight right now.
Must be the weather.

Post Script:
What did I just post?!
Answer: Nonsense

Interlude: Symphony

2006-05-08T14:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, fading away seems to be the best idea...

Go figure...

ACT XIII: Bittersweet Victory

2006-04-20T16:37:00.000+08:00

After spending seven terms working my ass off in this goddamn hellhole (hellhole nga ba?), I finally made it into the Dean's List. Cool, ne? But my reaction after finding out that I made it was a simple shrug of the shoulders, a little nod there and a small smile.

Where were the butterflies that were supposed to be doing their dance in my stomach?
Where were the goosebumps?
Where was the exhilirating feeling that was supposed to burst out of my lungs?
Nowhere to be found.

I expected more from me. Or maybe its because I did not expect to become a Dean's Lister, for this term that is. Hmm... What an irony. I have been wishing for this to happen since I entered college. And now that it is within my grasps, I became an unfeeling git. Its as if nothing happened.

Maybe its because it took a very long time before this ellusive dream became a reality.

Or maybe its because I'm just sick in the head.
Yeah, probably.

I don't make sense, do I?
Well, you won't have to put up with me anymore. (I won't commit suicide, that's for sure!)

I'll probably be back when sanity becomes part of my vocabulary.

ACT XII: Poem... sigh

2005-11-21T18:18:00.000+08:00

Sonnet XVII
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

ACT XI: My Take on Flash Fiction...

2005-11-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

Yep, finally creative juices have oozed my brain. I've been needing that for quite some time now, and the seemingly obvious lack of posts can attest to that. So, as a treat (to my self, actually), I present to you my [not so] magnificent work of art; a flash fiction inspired by a poem created by my good friend in high school.

'To End it All'

by Anmau Manigbas

He was sitting there for what seemed like forever. His seat was very cold, contrasting the heat that flooded his body. There was a burning pain at the pit of his stomach that does not seem to want to let him go. As sweat trickled down his chin, he thought to himself as to why he had to bear such pain just to feel pleasure in the end. He readied himself for another onslaught of hell-driven torture, doing his best to suppress his groans that was beginning to form in his throat. No matter how many hallelujahs and other worldly praises he sent to all heavenly apparitions he knew of, it seemed that his suffering would last for another long period. He heard voices, spoiling his concentration, just outside calling for him to end his extensive activity. But then, a distinctive smell broke his resolve. This bittersweet odor ran through his nose -- an indication of an approaching triumph. He shifted in his seat, finding a position most comfortable for his endeavor. With all his remaining strength, he pushed hard, feeling that his life depended on this one simple action. The sound of a splashing sound brought him back to his senses. He sighed at his own release, thinking that the worst is over. He stood up with an aching sensation in his behind. As he stared at the huge brown mass, the source of all his pain, swirling in the murky waters of his seat, he pushed down on the knob that would bring it to its final destination. A smirk appeared on his face as the putrid smell invaded his senses once again. With one last glance, he thought to himself how he would pity the one who would enter next in this now hollow and smelly place. But that's a whole different story.

Weird story, don't you think?

At least I had a blast writting this thing...

Writting is a good stress reliever!

Doi?!

ACT X: Being Productive in a Computer Class

2005-10-07T17:13:00.000+08:00

Every MWF, 4:50-5:50, I go to L320 to attend COMPUT2. Libreng internet! Yay! Sa sobrang saya, na-bored na... Mukhang diminishing marginal utility!

Anyway, mukhang eventful ang week na ito. Proud sa grade sa first quiz sa OBLICON! 89%! Iba na talaga ang nagagawa ng cramming...

Hindi nga pala ako umattend ng violin lessons this week. Nakonsensya naman ako, I made up a story about some urgent org activity to get off the hook. Hehehe... I know, I'm a lemon... (NOTE: E.V.I.L = Every villain is Lemon)

Haay... Nagpapalipas oras lang... Wala na magawa e...
Pinilit lang ako mag-post nitong katabi ko...
*Special shout out to Mia! Payo lang... Wag ka masyado paranoid... Tinawag ka lang for attendance... Peace out! ^o^ *

Yup, I managed to kill 10 minutes...
37 minutes to go!
And that's how one can be productive in a computer class...

ACT IX: Fate's Terrible Jokes

2005-09-17T21:35:00.000+08:00

Hell! One word to describe the first week of classes...

It all started with the adjustment of schedules. Many people woke up very, and I mean VERY early, just to be able to adjust their schedules. And I was one of those people. Nang dumating ako sa CBE office ng mga 6:10 am, pang 20 plus ako sa mga nakapila. Ayos! Mukhang matatapos ako ng mga 9:00! (BTW, CBE office opens at 8:00 am...) But I was mistaken. As time passes, aba, parami ng parami ang mga tao! Parami rin ng parami ang sumisingit sa pila! Arrggh!!! Ang number 20 ko, naging 70!!! Tapos maraming nagtataka kung bakit laganap ang dayaan sa eleksyon! Sa simpleng pandaraya na 'toh nagsisimula ang mas malalang pandaraya... My 9:00 target biglang naging 11:00!!! I could hardly feel my legs due to standing for a very long time... Asar talaga!!! Bwishit!!!

But that's not the end of it... After adjusting my schedule, I attended my classes. Buti na lang 12:50 pa yung first class ko... As the clock ticked 2:20pm, I got ready to head for my next class. Well, surprise surprise! I was expecting to meet COMSTA1 students, but the face of Ms. Velasco, terror prof sa accounting, rattled my senses. There was a conflict in the room assingment! Heck, ano ba naman klaseng sistema yan!!! But I still kept my cool. I was determined to make the first day of classes and enjoyable one. I went to the CBE office, again, to inquire about my problem. They directed me to this creepy room where my class was supposed to be. Why creepy? Well, puro salamin lang naman sa pader... And the thing was, I was there all alone. Buti na lang wala akong nakitang mumu sa mirrors... I waited there for 40 minutes but no one came, not even the professor! What a load of crap! Mukhang nalito rin yung would-be classmates and professor ko... This class was scheduled during M-W-F's, and I waited in that creepy room during those days and still, nobody showed up! And then, Friday afternoon, I was informed that it was already dissolved. Yup! Fate sure has a nice way of making my life miserable!

There's more! Last Wednesday, I went to CBE office, (yes, again) to check the course flowchart of the course I'm planning to shift to. Nung pumasok ako, may malaking tao na nasa harapan ko kaya hindi ko napansin na may DO(Discipline Officer) sa loob. Syempre, dirediretso ako sa folders ng flowchart. Nang biglang...

DO: Miss!
Me: *Deadma*
DO: Miss!
Me: *Deadma pa rin...*
DO: MISS!!! (pa-sigaw)
Me: *Deadma... or wala lang talagang pakialam?*
DO: MISS!
At this point, nagtinginan na lahat ng tao. Maraming tao nun dahil sa adjustment...
Me: *Harap kay DO, with an innocent look in the eye and a finger pointing at me...*
DO: Oo, ikaw! Nakatatlong tawag na ako sa 'yo, hindi mo pa rin ako pinapansin!
Me: Pasensya na po... *Sa loob-loob ko lang... "How should I know na ako ang tinatawag mo? Ako lang ba ang MISS dito?!*
DO: *Lalong lumakas ang boses* Hindi mo man lang ako binati nung pumasok ka!
Me: Pasensya na po... Malabo po ang mata ko...
Conceited DO: Talaga? Edi kapag may sasakyan na dumaan hindi mo makikita?
Sarcastic Me: Opo! Muntik na nga ako masagasaan ng dalawang beses kasi hindi ko napansin na may sasakyan! *That did the trick! Siguro hindi niya aakalain na ganun yung sasabihin ko...*
Conceited DO: Anong ba kailangan mo?
Innocent Me: Titingnan lang po ang flowcharts... *Heh, akala mo mag-aadjust ako noh! Bawal kasi pumasok yung mga mag-aadjust hangga't hindi tinatawag yung number nila...*

After that heated conversation, more likely an argument, I scanned the flowchart and dashed outside hoping that no one would remember my face. Pinagdadasal ko rin na sana hindi ako habulin ni DO para bigyan ng minor offense dahil hindi ko siya pinansin... Kahit mejo nakakahiya ang ginawa ko (mejo ba?!), proud pa rin ako kasi I stood up to him! Hindi porket icon siya sa La Salle, e kailangan ko nang lumuhod sa harap nya at magpa-autograph! Sino ba nagpapasweldo sa kanila?! Buti na lang mejo napigilan ko sarili ko... Kundi baka major offense ang ibigay sa akin...

~

Those were only a few of the terrible things that happened to me during the first week of classes. Some happenings are too horrible for me to write... yep, I'm exaggerating... But I'm hoping against hope that the tides will change and good luck will smile upon me. Siguro, hindi dumadaloy ang chi sa loob ng dorm.. Baka kailangan ko na gumamit ng Feng Shui?

Naaah...

~

(Fact: Some DO's have a reputation of abusing their authority and power... Some Discipline rules imposed by them are also unreasonable..)

ACT VIII: "Start of Classes" Jitters...

2005-09-11T14:10:00.000+08:00

Once again, it's the time of the year when terror professors are on the loose; when sleeping hours are reduced to 3-4 hours; when cramming is once again a habit; when requirements seem to have no end... Yep! Another term... Looks like its hell all over again... Yey! What a joy.

Officially, classes start tomorrow, September 12, 2005. But I doubt it would be a walk in the park because I have to adjust 3 economics subjects. But its not the end of it. I have to go to school at about 6:30 am just to beat the crowd of people who will adjust their schedules as well.

Let's just hope that everything runs smoothly tomorrow.

ACT VII: The Wonders Curses Can Bring

2005-07-24T11:16:00.000+08:00

Last night, I was too busy cursing the world. Its the best thing that I can resort to when I'm feeling bummed. And after a few hours, the world decided to respond to my curses. It did not throw awful curses back at me nor send a hurling fireball and char me... it did the one thing I did not expect... Send me a that 'somebody' I desperately needed. It sent me a friend.

It was really nice talking to him again. Tska ang galing nya, nahulaan nya na depressed ako kahit most of the time, nag-aasaran kami. Partida pa, via YM lang ung conversation namin. I'm just glad that he was there and became my buffer. I was not even able to thank him, kaya...

Salamat, Jigs! ^-^

~
Shameless Plug:

To those who have problems like me, all the solutions will come with just a curse away.
Dial 123-CURSE-YOU-WORLD, and shout all the profanities you have in mind.
Rate: P1,000,000 per minute.

Or better yet, just PRAY. It does WONDERS... and even MIRACLES...
Free of charge.

ACT VI: Me Against the World

2005-07-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling down this past few days and I don't know why... To put it bluntly, I feel like shit. It's like the whole world is in a conspiracy to make my life miserable. Well, congratulations! You're doing hell of a great job, world! Why don't you just send a flying mass of fireball right at me and burn me into crisps while you're at it? it would definitely make my life less stressful and definitely more bearable.

Too much negative energy... Too much sarcasm... And I can still be optimistic, "This can get even worse..."

Okay, world, you win! So lay off! I'm too tired, okay? At least for just one freakin' minute, would you please, please, PLEASE, get a life and stop messing with mine?!

Yup, depression is finally getting sinking in. PROOF: I'm picking a fight with a non-animated being. Would somebody please save me from my impending doom? From this self-destruction that is eating my life-force?

Somebody, please...
Anybody...

ACT V: It's All in a Nutshell

2005-07-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

"I'm Not Mad,
I'm Just Seeing the World
From a Different Point of View"

That's the new theme of my blog. Why did i change it? I just realized (ater people started prodding me about it...) that it was creepy... i mean very creepy. So creepy yhat I'm having dreams about it... hehehehe...

~

So what's new about me? Thankfully, tapos na midterms! Yay! And how did i do? Well, better than i expected. I guess studying really pays off. I decided na magiging seryoso na ko sa pag-aaral... hehehehe... Its not that i totally disreagrded it in the past, its just that i'm too relaxed for my own liking. Most of the time, i settle for mediocrity. And that's bad. Lalo na ngayon na mag-mamajor na ako sa economics.

I've also been too busy this past few weeks. Almost three weeks din ako hindi umuwi e... Nakakalungkot din yun... Ala kasi cable at walang libreng internet. Joke! Syempre na-miss ko pamilya ko at kama ko noh...

~

Last Thursday, I had the second session for my violin lessons. And the exact time when i was about to go to st. scho, syempre, umulan ng napakalakas! Syempre, mejo bumaha... At syempre, naglabasan ang mga ipis mula sa pinagtataguan nila. And lastly, I was soaking wet when i reached st. scho. Airconditioned pa yung room, and what do you expect! Another round of coughs and colds.

Hirap pala mag-violin! Pag-hawak pa lang ng bow, mahirap na! But i'm not about to give up yet. Sinimulan ko, kaya kailangang panindigan ko. It was once my dream to play the violin, and i'm not about to give up that dream just because that damned bow is just too hard to clutch. I guess I have to practice more. And besides, Rome was not built in one day...

ACT IV: Hyperness Ensues

2005-07-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

After a week of nonsense, finally, something good has come out of it! Last Sunday, July 3, 2005, mga 5:oo pm, my isang anghel na nag-text sa akin at sinabing, "Wat time ka free from tues to thurs? I'm Ms. Reby violin teacher from st. scho." Yay! After many weeks of waiting for that notice, i finally received it! And what do you expect from me? Syempre, hyper buong gabi... Kahit masakit na lalamunan at ulo ko (symptoms of a cold or something worse), e tuloy pa rin ang ligaya. Officially, starting Thursday, i'm starting violin lessons! hoorahhh!!!

Can't wait for thursday...

~

Huhuhu... May sipon ako... Sakit ng lalamunan ko...
But, that doesn't matter coz i aced my 3rd quiz in accounting! Ngayon lang uli ako naka-perfect sa accounting quiz since... since... time immemorial... ^-^ Euphoric bliss!!! (if you're thinking of ecstasy or shabu, parang ganun...)

But it seems that it will be short-lived... May take home exam kami sa BUSORGA, at hindi ko pa nagagawa... Mukhang maglalamay uli ako mamaya (which i do everynight). Yup! I'm a great crammer. I've mastered this art a long, long time ago... Daily ritual na yan...

Pero may smallville mamaya... huhuhuhu... tsk... the sacrifices i have to make...

I'm a responsible student so... Smallville muna! Joke, my conscience is killing me already. ^-^;
Gotta keep up this drive!

ACT III: Not So Random Things In My Head

2005-07-03T14:59:00.000+08:00

Many weeks have passed since the beginning of this school year. And up until now, it seems that my brain is still sleeping. Siguro dahil I still can't get over the fact na nagmistulang one week lang ang bakasyon ko... Hindi ata kaya ng utak at katawan ko ang stress... Another thing is the fact that we have to start classes very, and I mean VERY, early in the year while the year while my other high school classmates are still enjoying the rest of summer... (By the way, miss ko na sila!!!)

A few weeks ago, i was enrolled at Sandy's MATECO2 class. No offense, pero sa experience ko in MATECO1 with her as the prof... well to put it gently, it was not fun. Sure, open notes ang exam pero wala talaga ako masyado natutunan... But a blessing in disguise (or is it?) suddenly came. Dahil sa kakulangan ng studyante sa isang class, nilipat ako. Yup! Right now I'm suffering from the Corong-anxiety. Ok naman siya magturo, at in fairness, may naiintindihan ako (himala!). Pero he has this aura that can throw you away... Idagdag pa jan ang 'innocent face' nya kapag ikaw ang nasa hot seat at nag-rerecite. Confident ka sa sagot mo tapos biglang hihirit yan ng "Sigurado ka? Pano kapag sinabi kong 'no' ang answer at hindi 'yes'?" Edi syempre papalitan mo sagot mo... Pero in reality, tama yung previous answer mo... Luckily, hindi pa nya ako nauuto...

Accounting. Isa sa mga frustrations ko sa buhay. First quiz, bagsak ako! Proud! Sige, ipagsisigawan ko sa mundo... BAGSAK AKO! Gusto mo malaman ang grade ko? 18/38! Syempre passing 83%! Feeling ko gumuho na ang mundo ko... I no longer have any reason to live... Yes, I'm miserable! Very miserable. Second quiz came... By gods! I passed!!! 36/40! Biglang ginanahang mabuhay... Pero ang total ng two quizzes ko hindi pa rin abot ng 83%... Huhuhuh... Back to miserable mode. At eto, malapit na midterms namin, to be exact, next week. I just hope that I can reach the required grade...

But what really bothers me is the fact that our country is slowly falling to pieces... LITERALLY! Our government is constantly being ravaged by many issues, and i don't want to enumerate all of them. Gabi-gabi napapanood sa news ang masakit na proseso ng pagkasira ng ating magiting na lahi. Sinasabi ng maraming tao na kailangan nang bumaba ng ating pangulo para maisalba ang natitirang kahihiyan ng ating bansa. Pero naisip ko naman, sakaling bumaba nga siya, sino naman ang papalit? The Vice-President? Susan Roces? The horror! I don't want to be insensitive about the whims of the Filipino people for PGMA to resign. But, in this trying times when the country is in the verge of sinking down, personally, I think that we should set aside all our differences and make the best of what we have. Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. Kaya nga tao tayo at hindi Diyos. Let's be practical. We don't need another People Power. We already had two and it did not do us any good. Wala namang naganap na pagbabago sa bulok na sistema e... Nailagay lang ang Pilipinas sa Book of World Records...

Don't kill me just yet...
Uy, gising na pala ang utak ko...

ACT II: Urban Legend Nightmare

2005-06-23T21:32:00.000+08:00

LITERA1 is only one of the subjects that i took this semester. One day, napagtripan ni Miss Ang, LITERA1 prof namin, na magpagawa ng isang Urban Legend in time with our discussion of The Legend of Mariang Makiling. For the one and a half hour class, this is what Mia and I have come up with.

~

One Friday night, Pedro was in a hurry to get home because he was just promted as supervisor in the factory where he worked for. To celebrate his promotion, he bought one gallon of Selecta Ice Cream. (Corny daw sabi ni Miss... Hindi naman a!^-^) Worried that the ice cream would melt before he reached home, he opted to take the LRT instead of the bus, which he regularly rode home.

The train car that he was able to catch was jam-packed. All seats were occupied so he had to stand. While waiting for the train to reach his stop, he looked at his watch and saw that it was already 8:55 in the evening. He was very annoyed because it seemed that none of the passengers had any intentions of leaving the train even though it was already approaching the last station, which was also his stop.

When they reached the final station, Pedro fought his way out of the crowded cable car. When he got out, he thought it strange that the other passengers did not leave the train. Since he was in a hurry, he he just went on his way. When he was about to descend the stairs, his eyes travelled to the direction of the train. Much to his surprise and horror, there was no one in sight. He found it strange but he was so excited to go home so he rushed down the stairs and hailed for a pedicab.

While in the cab, he checked the time once again and notices the date was December 30. He suddenly remembered that it was the same date when the Rizal Day Bombing took place a few years back. With this realization, he felt chills run down his spine. The cold feeling spread throughout his entire body, especially through his legs. When he looked down, he saw the ice cream had melted and some of it has spilled out of the container.

~

That's it folks! This is what happpens when you put two people together with very few spurts of creative juices in their minds. We intended to make a scary, creepy, disturbing, spine-chilling and hair-raising urban legend. It turned out to be a comedy, thanks to the ice cream.

Well, at least for us, it was funny. Siguro dahil mababaw lang talaga kaligayahan namin... ^-^

Grabe ha, ilang minuto rin namin pinagtalunan yung pangalan ng bida.

ACT I: Leader of the Band

2005-06-19T06:14:00.000+08:00

LEADER OF THE BANDBy: Dan Fogelberg An only childAlone and wildA cabinet maker's sonHis hands were meant For different workAnd his heart was known to none He left his homeAnd went his loneAnd solitary wayAnd he gave to meA gift I knowI never can repay A quiet man of musicDenied a simpler fateHe tried to be a soldier onceBut his music wouldn't waitHe earned his love through discplineA thundering, velvet handHis gentle means of sculpting soulsTook me years to understand The leader of the band is tired And his eyes are growing oldBut his blodd runs through my instrument And his song is in my soulMy life has been a poor attemptTo immitate the manI'm just a living legacyTo the Leader of the Band My brothers' lives were differentFor they heard another callOne went to ChicagoAnd the other to St. PaulAnd I'm in Colorado if I'm not in some hotelLiving out this life I choseAnd come to know so well I thank you for the musicAnd your stories of the roadI thank you for the freedomWhen it came my time to goI thank you for the kindnessAnd the times when you got tough And, Papa, I don't think I said"I Love You" near enough The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blodd runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt
To immitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the Leader of the Band I am a living legacyTo the Leader of the Band~

Happy Father's Day, TATAY

PROLOGUE: Darkness Consuming

2005-06-19T05:17:00.000+08:00

After many months of planning to set up a blog, I finally had the time and definitely the motivation to do so.

Stranger in a strange world... Sounds dark and morose. I guess, too dark for my own liking. Nevertheless, I still like it. A perfect description of my existence in this world. I am definitely a stranger. In fact, we all are. A thinker once philosophized that human existence is just a mere fragment of one Being's imagination. When pertaining to that Being, I do not limit it to the Christian God. Just like how an author creates a novel. He creates a world wherein the characters act according to what he wishes. So where do I, a stranger, come in? Probably a bystander, who still haven't realized the part that she will play in the story.

Let's just see when and how my "Grand Author" will call me and put me into action in this grotesquely odd world also known as reality.